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Post by rikki_rakko on Aug 11, 2005 23:33:46 GMT -7
Finally, all those horrible internet jokes compiled into one convenient thread! No more scouring lame-@ss websites! No more reading crappy print-outs taped to the refrigerator! We do the work for you! Enjoy (not)! New Hospital Wing When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a miss-conception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it! The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the End, the Proctologists left the decision up to some jackass who didn't give a crap.[/i] ;D
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Post by chili-size on Aug 12, 2005 9:05:35 GMT -7
THREE LADIES IN A HOT TUB THREE WOMEN, ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND" THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
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Post by rikki_rakko on Aug 13, 2005 13:24:32 GMT -7
Blonde Drinker [/center] A beautiful young blonde arrived arrived at a soda machine just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."[/i] ![](http://tvmedia.ign.com/tv/image/article/749/749866/americas-next-top-model-season-7-20061207044256251.jpg)
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Post by Muerto on Aug 13, 2005 17:54:47 GMT -7
I wanted to give you all a glimpse of an email "joke" shared only by us Mexicans...
ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE A LATINO? 1) If you have ever been hit by a ' chancla '. 2) If you grew up scared by something called "El Cuco." 3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking. 4) If you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night of the lotto drawing. 5) If you use your lips to point something out. 6) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys". 7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment. 8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music. 9) If you use "manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger. 10) If you call your sneakers "tenis". 11) If you have at least thirty cousins, not including loco Julio working at "Don Pipo's". 12) If you can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food. 13) If you are in a! five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben!" 14) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "vapor rub" all over your chest and inside your nostrils. 15) If you call the North Americans "gringos",including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos". 16) If you don't think Jennifer Lopez is hot, "she's just another chick with luck". 17) If your favorite heroes were El Chapulin, gato Felix and Cantinflas. 18) If You prefer to repair a radio, tv or vcr instead of buying a new one. 19) If you don't need any explanations, you know you are truly a Latino!
*****Send this to all your Latino friends!
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Post by chili-size on Aug 15, 2005 13:48:33 GMT -7
Subject: The origin of yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
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Post by chili-size on Aug 18, 2005 10:54:56 GMT -7
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a "Girls Night Out", and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the weenustails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they really needed to pee. Since they were passing a graveyard, one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties!"
That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said,
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
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Post by SCRUFFY on Aug 19, 2005 10:27:04 GMT -7
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Post by JHC on Aug 19, 2005 11:12:04 GMT -7
Scruffy- me thinks thou dost miss the point, dumb ass.
Lying down with the lamb, JHC
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Post by rikki_rakko on Aug 21, 2005 2:21:09 GMT -7
Scruffy...wtf? No, seriously...w? t? f? I'm serious, guy, was the title of the topic unclear? Did ya even bother to f#ckin' read the opening of the thread?
"Funny Ass Sh*t."
I f#ckin' give up!
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Post by chili-size on Sept 13, 2005 8:44:33 GMT -7
The Burial Suit
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"So I switched the heads."
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Post by ZIP on Sept 23, 2005 17:02:12 GMT -7
INTELLIGENT DESIGN by PAUL RUDNICK Issue of 2005-09-26 Posted 2005-09-19
Day No. 1:
And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?”
“I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.”
“You should design a restaurant,” added Allah.
Day No. 2:
“Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land.
“Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and valleys and—is that lava?”
“It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes, this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ”
“It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s, like, minimalism, only with scale.”
“But—brown?” Buddha asked.
“Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt umber—they’re called earth tones.”
“I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.”
Day No. 3:
“Just to make everyone happy,” said the Lord God, “today I’m thinking oceans, for contrast.”
“It’s wet, it’s deep, yet it’s frothy; it’s design without dogma,” said Buddha, approvingly.
“Now, there’s movement,” agreed Allah. “It’s not just ‘Hi, I’m a planet—no splashing.’ ”
“But are those ice caps?” inquired Thor. “Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?”
“I can do ice caps if I want to,” sniffed the Lord God.
“It’s about a mood,” said the Angel Moroni, supportively.
“Thank you,” said the Lord God.
Day No. 4:
“One word,” said the Lord God. “Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened.”
“Do rain forests,” suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise.
“Rain forests here,” decreed the Lord God. “And deserts there. For a spa feeling.”
“Which is fresh, but let’s give it glow,” said Buddha. “Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something.”
“I know where you’re going,” said the Lord God. “But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?”
“Shut up,” said Buddha.
“You shut up,” said the Lord God.
“It’s all about the mix,” Allah declared in a calming voice. “Now let’s look at some swatches.”
Day No. 5:
“I’d like to design some creatures of the sea,” the Lord God said. “Sleek but not slick.”
“Yes, yes, and more yes—it’s a total gills moment,” said Apollo. “But what if you added wings?”
“Fussy,” whispered Buddha to Zeus. “Why not epaulets and a sash?”
“Legs,” said Allah. “Now let’s do legs.”
“Are we already doing dining-room tables?” asked the Lord God, confused.
“No, design some creatures with legs,” said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding, designed an ostrich.
“First draft,” everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator.
“There’s gonna be a waiting list,” Zeus murmured appreciatively.
“Now do puppies!” pleaded Vishnu. “And kitties!”
“Ooooo!” all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured, “Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule.”
“What about a koala?” asked the Lord God.
“Much better,” Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. “I’m going to call him Buttons.”
Day No. 6:
“Today I’m really going out there,” said the Lord God. “And I know it won’t be popular at first, and you’re all gonna be saying, ‘Earth to Lord God,’ but in a few million years it’s going to be timeless. I’m going to design a man.”
And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed.
“It has your eyes,” Zeus told the Lord God.
“Does it stack?” inquired Allah.
“It has a naïve, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe,” said Buddha. The Inca sun god, however, only scoffed. “Been there. Evolution,” he said. “It’s called a shaved monkey.”
“I like it,” protested Buddha. “But it can’t work a strapless dress.” Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, “Well, what if I give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?”
“Yes,” the gods said immediately.
“Now it’s intelligent,” said Aphrodite.
“But what if I made it blond?” giggled the Lord God.
“And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?” asked Aphrodite.
Day No. 7:
“You know, I’m really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design deal,” said the Lord God. “But do you think that I could redo it, keeping the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?”
“I’m not sure,” said Buddha. “You mean, what if you designed a really basic, no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those toes?”
“Hello!” said the Lord God. “Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but fun. Three bright, happy, wash ’n’ go colors.”
“Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector’s Edition for the geeks,” Buddha decided.
“Done,” said the Lord God. “Now let’s start thinking about Pluto. What if everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?”
“You mean, let’s do Neptune again?” said Buddha.
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Post by IMFunny on Sept 30, 2005 17:53:32 GMT -7
I wasn't there, but there's an old story out there (stop me if you've already heard it) about Ernie propositioning a tall blonde woman at a Rough Draft halloween party with the line, "What would you say to a little f u c k?" Her answer, of course, was, "Hello little f u c k."
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Post by chili-size on Oct 23, 2005 21:02:38 GMT -7
Subject: FW: A Young Cowpoke...
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spoo ning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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Post by chili-size on Oct 27, 2005 17:46:15 GMT -7
Halloween
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled "You can't go out like that! ". "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" she screamed back.
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
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Post by chili-size on Dec 5, 2005 16:51:34 GMT -7
Subject: Government Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment, " and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M". The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M.to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."
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Post by chili-size on Feb 2, 2006 11:41:58 GMT -7
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............" he sighed,
"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
NOTE: this one is courtesy of Carson....
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Post by chili-size on Feb 23, 2006 9:35:59 GMT -7
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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Post by chili-size on Mar 15, 2006 18:58:00 GMT -7
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom."you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing" The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old What he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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Post by chili-size on Mar 21, 2006 18:33:13 GMT -7
Lawyer and Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long Cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now, this blonde happens to be highly Intelligent, but she is tired so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game Is really easy. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and Vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some Sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde, he will Easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't Know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no End to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth To the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes back down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop Computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with His modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to Get some help, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the Answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying To figure it out. He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes Up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to Sleep.
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Post by chili-size on Mar 22, 2006 13:01:25 GMT -7
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" he asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."
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Post by chili-size on Mar 28, 2006 11:21:21 GMT -7
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, The son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of Blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the People, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history Than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If You say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the Floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006
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Post by chili-size on Jul 31, 2006 7:42:01 GMT -7
well... this one aint great... but seeing as how this board has been dead for a month... here ya go...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where els e in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke.
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Post by chili-size on Aug 11, 2006 8:32:10 GMT -7
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you The answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
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Post by SpaceCase on Aug 31, 2006 21:09:49 GMT -7
If I may be so Bold: ;D Donald Rumsfeld comes stalking into the oval office late one afternoon, ready to deliver his latest report on the situation in Iraq.
Bush listens intently as Rumsfeld gives his briefing. "Finally," Rumsfeld concludes, "on a sadder note, last night four Brazillian troops were killed by an IED during a routine convoy escort mission."
The president's face goes ashen white. "Oh my God, Rummy," he says to the confused Secretary of Defense. "How could this have happened?"
Bush buries his face in his hands, and for long moments in the silent oval office, the breath shudders in and out of him in ragged, wet gasps. Finally, he composes himself enough to look up and make eye contact with his advisor.
"My Lord," says the President tearfully, "How many are there in a brazillian, again?"
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Post by chili-size on Sept 5, 2006 8:29:22 GMT -7
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself togeth er and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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